Lily's Memoirs

As Fretty and I returned to town after some exploration in the Badlands, following a hunch I had, with the assistance of Ma’ta Sally and his new Apprentice, mister Sednarb, we started to have one of our random banters in town, which mister FriedDylan seemed to be misunderstanding. This isn’t a total surprise, things have been touchy with regard to Mystics as of late. It’s a shame that so much bile is being spewed lately. I don’t think anyone has done anything to deserve it.

That aside, Fretty was called away in the middle of the conversation, and eventually the conversation died down to the point where I went back to reading up on various histories of Guilds. Getting caught up in research is good fun, especially when I leave myself open to interruption. It’s a non-procrastinating method of procrastinating. It’s also part of why I tend to write my journals while I’m sitting in town center, so I am constantly interrupted and distracted. It’s a way to break my concentration and start over. If I really get into a flow, I’ll head for the library so I no longer am distracted.

A major distraction in this case was the announcement that Fretty. Feodoric Mermeios. My partner for the last several years. He has graduated to the rank of Mystic. My immediate reaction, of course, was of jubilation. I congratulated him with probably the loudest sunstone in his head at the time. I doubt anyone topped me.

As the euphoria began to settle, I looked around and realized that there was no one to really share the moment with. Everyone who could be with me for this, that I would be close enough to to share the experience with, was already involved in the graduation process. I couldn’t stand next to Fretty, I couldn’t cheer him on during this time. I couldn’t watch him become a Ma’ta. I heard about it over the sunstone network like everyone else. And there was no one there to be with me in the moment. No one to talk to. So I thought more, and I thought to people who might be in the library. The people in the library I could share this moment with, had they been around, would likely also be at the graduation ceremony, as well.

That’s when it dawned on me. I have spent all these years developing these relationships that I hold dear to my heart. I was an Apprentice when they were Journeyers. I should have prepared myself for this. I should have known this was going to happen. Yet, I didn’t. Now, once again, I am alone. There are others who share my rank in the Guild, but none as close. Some have tried, but the timing difference has left that friendship with much to be desired. I don’t speak poorly of my other Journeyer Mystics. I am simply stating that I am not particularly close to any of the ones who are left. My close friendships are now all Ma’tas.

This realization made celebrating a little difficult for me when they came to town. I worked hard to focus on my feelings of joy for my partner. Gods know I feel he deserves it, but I also know I am biased. They did the ceremonial drinking and falling and cheering and joking. He gave me many hugs and seemed so happy. I felt so terrible in the moments when I was unable to stay focused on my joy for him. On those moments when my sorrow betrayed me. I know I was more subdued than I should have been. I know he knew things weren’t entirely right.

They disappeared again, my friends, but not after Ma’ta Drabby tried to console me when he realized something was wrong. To his credit, he is a very good friend, very caring, and very generous. I wasn’t ready to be consoled or comforted, so I rejected his offer. I also felt that they should be focusing on Fretty, not me. That night wasn’t about me. Making it about me seemed wrong, on so many levels.

After a time, Ma’ta Sally came to town and he, too, tried to console me. I, again, rejected his attempts. This time I tried to play it off as I was mostly all right because I didn’t want people to worry about me too much. Again, I didn’t want to steal the spotlight.

I realized after speaking with Ma’ta Sally that, by being around, my friends would probably continue to worry and check on me. So I decided to head home. I threw myself into my research again, I distracted myself in my work so I would get my mind off of things in an effort to have a clearer head when Fretty finally came home. For the most part, it worked.

Fretty did come home, and he was still in moderate shock. He couldn’t quite believe it had happened. I congratulated him, poured a glass of wine, and we sat on the couch and talked for some time.

We spoke a little about how the rules will change from here on. We spoke a little about my frustration, he told me it was okay to feel this way. He said that he can’t give me much comfort except that he and I will be all right and we’ll figure things out.

After that, we talked about how excited he had been, how he still doesn’t quite believe it, and I reassured him that he will grow into it.

In the end, the one person I needed to speak to was Fretty. Things aren’t perfectly all right, but I am definitely more capable of approaching this. After he fell asleep, I sat up watching the fire and thinking about both happy and sad things. Things change, and that’s okay. I wasn’t ready for this change, and I think I needed time to mourn the change. On the bright side, this is a brand new adventure for Fretty, and we’ll work hard to not let it come between us.